Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Alaska Children's Trust Community

Question 1

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 2

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 3

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 4

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 5

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 6

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 7

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 8

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 9

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 10

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 11

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it.

Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages can be a normal part of development, though the appropriateness can vary greatly depending on the specific circumstances and ages involved.

It's common for people's feelings about childhood experiences to change as they age and gain new perspectives. What might have seemed okay or normal at the time can later feel confusing or uncomfortable as we develop a more mature understanding of boundaries and sexuality. If you began feeling uncomfortable but continued without expressing this discomfort, what you experienced may not necessarily qualify as sexual assault in the traditional sense. However, your feelings of discomfort are valid and important. It's common for children in these situations to struggle with expressing their changing feelings or understanding what's happening.

It's crucial to remember that you're not at fault for these experiences or your reactions to them. Children often don't have the tools to navigate such complex situations. If these experiences are causing you distress now, it may be helpful to speak with a counselor or therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and family dynamics. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you process these memories in a healthy way.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay if they're complex or have changed over time. Healing and understanding are possible, and professional support can be very beneficial in this process. While I know we did not provide any definitive answers, I hope we provided some helpful information to help you as you navigate this situation. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships.

Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Healing is an active process. To focus on it, prioritize things that encourage you to care for yourself, whether it's your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. Be your own scientist. Experiment with activities both alone and even with your new partner that make you feel grounded, capable, joyful, and safe. Also, make sure you are attending to your basic needs. This includes incorporating movement into your life, eating nourishing foods, and getting enough rest. Taking care of yourself will contribute to your overall healing and provide a solid foundation for your new relationship.

Breaking old habits of dependency or fear in a new relationship can be tricky. It can be a helpful starting point to reflect on the old habits that you want to break and try to understand triggers or patterns. You can do this through journaling, talking to a mental health provider, or talking to a trusted loved one. Take note of situations or behaviors that make you feel dependent or fearful in relationships. Also take note of situations that trigger you and create strategies to manage these triggers. Over time, you may decide to include your partner in some of these strategies to the extent that you both feel comfortable.

Next, open and honest communication with your partner is essential. Share your experiences and feelings at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Giving context for the fear you have within a relationship may give them more confidence to support you. Even a simple disclosure that "someone in the past harmed [you] causing [you] to want to take things slow" can help your new partner learn your needs and more about who you are. If your partner is not willing to respect your needs, that may be a sign that they might not be the appropriate person for you at this time. Although another person can't complete the healing process for you, they can certainly encourage and assure you along the way.

With this new relationship, move at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Listen to your intuition and communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner. This includes physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries (if you want to learn more about what to do if a partner pushes your boundaries in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, read this FAQ). Allow trust to develop naturally as you get to know your partner better. Look for consistent behavior, empathy, and respect from them. Trust is built through actions and time.

Remember, you are WORTHY of love and respect. Sometimes you may not be your "best" self in your relationship, and that is okay. Breaking old habits takes time and effort, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself, be accountable for your actions when appropriate, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who uplift and encourage you. You deserve a healthy and loving relationship external from your trauma.

Question 13

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

Accepted Answer

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with your parents. You may feel that you need to protect them. You may feel angry at them for not noticing you were struggling. You may worry they will judge you or not believe you. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you. Whatever you are feeling. It is valid.

The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell your parents immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell them about what happened, here are some things to think about.

What you share about your story is completely up to you. Even if they ask for details, it may just be because they do not know what to say and want to understand. Still, just because they ask, doesn’t mean you need to say more than you planned. Example wording to use could be “I wanted to tell you what happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any details right now.”

The way you choose to tell them is also up to you. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in a letter. There are benefits and drawbacks to all options but only you know what will work for you. No matter how you choose to tell your parents, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first.

If you choose to disclose in person, timing and location is important. You want to ensure they can give you their full attention and have time to process afterwards. Thus, if they are about to run out the door, go to sleep, or are intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time. If you feel safe with your parents, choose a private, quiet place to talk. If you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location may be safer and you might want to have support on standby.

You deserve to feel heard and understood when telling your story. However, not everyone responds well to disclosures and the conversation may not go the way you hope. The parent you tell may feel many emotions. While this is normal, it can shift the conversation away from you and onto them. They may express anger, guilt, disbelief, or confusion. If they are taking up too much space with their emotions, redirect the conversation to you and your feelings.

Your parent might also express doubt or blame. This says more about them than you. Resist the urge to internalize these responses. If your parents aren't supportive, that doesn’t mean that others won’t be. Research shows finding at least one trusted support can really help the healing process.

It is also important to note that even if the conversation does go well, it can still be an emotional experience. Thus it is important to take care of yourself afterwards no matter what the outcome. There are many people out there who love and care about you. You are not alone. If you want to practice telling your story of trauma or healing anonymously, and learn from the disclosures of others, you can practice through our storysharing site. We see you. We hear you. We believe you.

Question 14

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Accepted Answer

Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.

When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.

To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.

Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.

If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.

Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.

You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.

After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.

While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.

Question 15

Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries.

It's completely normal to feel a range of emotions when processing your experience, including confusion, anger, or sadness. Whatever you're feeling is valid, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate the decision-making you might be considering in the aftermath. You're not alone and deserve support in whatever ways make the most sense for you and your healing at this time.

Remember, healing from sexual assault is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. You have the right to seek support, set boundaries, and prioritize your well-being. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported as you navigate your healing process. We are here for you every step of the way. Thank you for this question.

Question 16

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Experiencing arousal when discussing sexual abuse can be a confusing and distressing response, but it's important to understand that it's not an uncommon reaction for many survivors. This physical response doesn't imply consent or enjoyment, rather, it may be a result of the body's physiological reactions to stress and trauma.

Arousal can sometimes serve as a coping mechanism or a way for the body to dissociate from the traumatic memories. Remember, your body's reactions are involuntary and do not diminish the validity of your experience. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can help you navigate these complex feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs. You're not alone, and support is available to help you through this confusing time.

Question 17

How did you recover from sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single "right" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.

Research shows that healing after sexual assault is often nonlinear - it's common to have periods of progress followed by difficult days or weeks. This pattern is completely normal. Recovery requires both active engagement with your healing process and patience with yourself when you need time to rest or process. Think of healing not as a straight line forward, but as a gradual unfolding that sometimes moves in spirals or cycles.

Several key elements often emerge as important parts of the healing journey...

Processing the trauma in your own time and way is essential. This might involve making sense of what happened, examining your responses and needs, and gradually releasing self-blame. Remember that what happened was not your fault. Many survivors work with trauma-informed counselors who can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to process emotions and develop coping strategies. You get to decide when and how to engage with your experience.

Managing difficult emotions and responses is another crucial aspect. Survivors often experience anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, or changes in how they relate to others. These are natural trauma responses, not signs of weakness. Learning strategies to cope with these feelings can help you feel more grounded. This might include mindfulness practices, physical activity, creative expression like journaling or art, or other approaches that resonate with you personally.

Self-care becomes especially important during this time. This means not only tending to your physical needs through healthy eating, movement, and rest, but also being gentle with yourself emotionally. Small acts of self-care - whether taking a warm bath, spending time in nature, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy - can help restore a sense of connection with yourself.

Rebuilding your sense of self is a central part of healing. Assault can impact how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Taking time to reconnect with your identity, values, and strengths - separate from the trauma - is valuable. This might involve returning to activities you enjoyed before, discovering new ones that help you feel like yourself, or finding ways to express yourself creatively through writing, art, or music.

Finding support through safe relationships can provide crucial validation and care. This could be through trusted friends, family, survivor support groups, or counselors. Many find that sharing their experience with someone they trust helps lighten the emotional burden. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can help reduce feelings of isolation by connecting you with others who understand. You get to choose who to tell about your experience and when.

Regaining a sense of power and hope is possible, even if it feels distant right now. Small steps like making choices about your healing journey, setting boundaries, or engaging in meaningful activities can help rebuild your sense of control. Hope often grows gradually as you discover your capacity for resilience.

Some practical resources that may help:

RAINN's 24/7 hotline (800.656.HOPE) connects you with trained advocates who understand trauma
Many communities have sexual assault resource centers offering free counseling and support
Online spaces like our stories platform provide moderated spaces to connect with other survivors
Books like "The Body Keeps the Score" and others can help explain trauma's impacts
Trauma-informed yoga, art therapy, and other body-based practices help many survivors

Remember that healing happens on your own timeline. Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.

Question 18

A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. What happened to you - having your chest touched without consent - is a form of inappropriate touching, even though you were both very young at the time.

It's important to understand that only you can decide how to label or define your own experiences. While I can provide information and context, the way you choose to view or describe what happened is entirely up to you. Your perspective is valid and may even change over time as you process the experience, which is completely normal.

At 9 years old, children are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. The boy who touched you may not have fully understood the implications or seriousness of his actions. This doesn't excuse what happened, but it's important context when considering the situation.

However, it's crucial to distinguish between intent and impact. Even if the boy didn't intend to cause harm or distress, his actions could still have a significant impact on you. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are entirely valid.

If you do identify this experience as assault, that's completely valid. Trust your feelings and your understanding of the situation. No one else can tell you how to feel about what happened to you. If you feel violated or hurt by this experience, those feelings are real and important, regardless of the age of the person who touched you or their possible lack of understanding.

If you're feeling troubled by this experience, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or a counselor. They can provide support and help you process your feelings about what happened. Remember, you have the right to set boundaries about your body, and it's always okay to tell someone not to touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 19

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Question 20

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

Reporting sexual violence is a brave and important step, but it's understandable to feel conflicted or guilty about it. You may worry about not being believed, facing retaliation, disrupting your community, or negatively impacting the life of the person who harmed you. These concerns are normal, but it's crucial to remember that you have every right to seek justice, healing, and safety. Reporting can help protect yourself and others.

Healing from guilt is a process and it will take time. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It may help to gently remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and made the best decisions you could to take care of yourself. Many survivors find it helpful to talk through these feelings with a trusted person who is trauma-informed. Support groups, either in-person or online, can also provide a safe space to process guilt with others who understand.

Most importantly, please prioritize your own healing and wellbeing right now. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally in whatever ways feel nurturing to you. You may need to limit your exposure to people or information that increase feelings of guilt or self-blame. Surround yourself with supportive, understanding people as much as possible.

Navigating the legal system can also bring up a lot of difficult emotions. Seek out an advocate who can guide and support you through the reporting process. Remember that regardless of the outcome, telling your story is an act of bravery that can be healing in itself.

You deserve to feel safe, supported, and believed. The guilt and self-doubt you feel are symptoms of the trauma and societal mistreatment of survivors, not reflections of your actions or character. With time and care, they will start to ease. Until then, please be gentle with yourself and reach out for help whenever you need it. You don't have to carry this alone.

Welcome to the Alaska Children's Trust's storytelling platform.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

How did you recover from sexual assault?

A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

How did you recover from sexual assault?

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent?

A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

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