#1035

I grew up around very, very strong women. Granny - "big momma" - and my mom. They just really instilled into me to the gospel, Jesus. That was the focal point of my spiritual development as a kid. But on the flip note, my father was the complete opposite. He was an alcoholic. We tended to stay out of his way when he came home. Growing up, we were disciplined. My father came home drunk, confronted me and my sister, and beat me like a grown man. I think that a part of me did die that day. My sister and I were in foster care for a very brief time. My sister and I and my mom reunited and stayed at a shelter for a while. There's been a lot of healing since then. I recently visited him and we got past this point. Complete forgiveness. But what I realized is that I let him off the hook, but I never let myself off the hook. It came up in a conversation with my wife. She has done a lot of deep healing in her own journey. We sat down and were talking - there was a secret that I was keeping to myself about self harm and suicide. It's crazy how things can be so wonderful on the outside, and then I have these moments where I don't want to be here. I kept this to myself a really long time. She asked me, "how old is this?" and I went right back to when I was 8 years old and I went numb. She asked me, "what would you tell 8-year-old nametoday?" You're going to live. Not only are you going to live, you're going to live well. Everything opened up and the container expanded. I've been able to receive more, I've been able to give more. You are not your past. If you're hurting, healing is possible. Not only is healing possible, but you can become a very productive member of society. I never would have thought that I'd be in the place where I'd be a profession dealing with people who have gone through similar things that I have gone through. I'm not 100% healed, but I suit up and show up every day and I'm very effective at what I do. And I'm very proud of that. It's not over, and I look forward to seeing what comes next.